FAT

i just started taking the pill (levora). i almost puked yesterday, but today i feel fine.

the side effect that i'm most worried about is getting FAT... and i'm very worried about it.

these are the comforting thoughts i've marshaled:

1. my dress can be altered
2. maybe i'm too skinny now anyways?
3. i want to be skinny to win jared's love, and that is perverse and destructive. i haven't done any work to get this body (i just feel sick all the time so i don't eat as much as i used to), which means it is a free gift. if jesus wants to take it away before the wedding, i submit to that. HE can decide whether it is good for me to have a body i am proud of--or not. i want our relationship to be founded on gratefulness, not on what we have to offer.

*what do you have that you did not RECEIVE?!*