freddy's birth story

2:38a i wake up.  oho, contractions DO feel like menstrual cramps!  i go to the bathroom and go back to sleep.
3:20a i wake up with another contraction.  i go to the bathroom again (tmi: it's diarrhea). i start timing the contractions and i think they are twenty mins apart.  i do a few dishes.  during the next one i already "can't stand it" by myself and i wake up jared.  he tries to give me more covers.  i tell him i'm in labor.  he gets up and we look at eachother.  is this really happening!  he tries to go back to sleep but can't.  we stand around waiting for the next one.  they are maybe 8-10 mins apart.  i start diarrhea-ing and puking at the same time (don't worry, i puked in the trash can, jared had time to hose it out before we left, no mess was made). during contractions i am on all fours, my face in our beautiful chocolate la-z-boy. jared finishes up the dishes.
4:40a i get one contraction that is five mins after the one before, and i call labor and delivery.  "my contractions aren't quite 5 minutes apart, do i have to wait?" the nurse said for a first baby i can wait until they are 3 mins apart or come in when i need pain relief.  i tell jared to get the bag!
5a we get to the hospital.  i can still handle the pain level although it makes me writhe.  i am 5cm.  they monitor my contractions, i throw up some more, they decide to admit me.  i'm like "was there any question about that?!" they put me in a delivery room.  the next hour and a half is a blur.  i was holding the nurse's hand and jared's hand and i was out of my mind.  the time really passed quite quickly, or time didn't seem to exist.  in between contractions i felt shaky and sick.  the nurse coached my breathing.  she would say "remember your breaths" and i would feel mildly embarrassed that i couldn't remember what i never learned.  i guess if we had taken a class, jared could have coached me and she wouldn't have had to work so hard.  i don't remember her name.  erin?  i loved her.  at one point i imagine the urge to push and i say "i want to push" and she says "no, don't push" and i say "ok" and it went away.  jared told me later the nurse was alarmed and bustled about getting everything ready in case it was time.  but i didn't notice. 
7a the anesthesiologist gives me my epidural.  i believe i was 7cm at this point.  it is scary to hold still knowing that a contraction could descend at any moment!  i don't remember it taking long to kick in at all...  i love my epidural more than anything in the whole world! i feel like i am under a heavy pile of hot blankets.  i am more comfortable than i have been since i got pregnant!  the anesthesiologist says "that was the fastest admit to epidural i've ever seen" and the nurse agrees.  i love my epidural and i love everybody.  jared and i fall asleep.
9a i am 9.9cm dilated.  there still a lip on the cervix around his head, so they put me on pitocin.  they come to check on me every half hour, and every time they say you'll be ready to push within the hour, but i guess that is one stubborn lip.  i'm still in heaven.  everybody should have an epidural!  all the time!  jared, you should have one!  jared and i sleep some more.
12p time to push!  i have a new nurse (diane?).  "erin" was perfect for contractions, "diane" is perfect for pushing.  she's very chipper.  enter the "villain" of the story, a pitiful little nurse-in-training whose presence i mildly resented.  they let her hold my right leg (no one asked me if she could hold my leg), and jared held my left during pushes.  the real nurse would watch the monitor and tell me when the contraction was peaking and i would push for a count of 10.  pushing hurt my head more than anything.  i couldn't figure out how to not have all the blood rush to my head.  also, nothing was happening.  the wimpy fake nurse would say "pussshhhh" and it made me want to NOT push. freddy's head (freddy!) was visible way up there when i would push.  jared got to see it.  he didn't seem impressed. i throw up some more, and this time i almost overflow the bowl they brought me to puke in!  wimpy nurse wins me over by bringing me some juice. 
2p after 2 hours of pushing with no progress, they leave to give me a half hour break.  before they leave they show me the vacuum.  i don't want that on my baby's head.  i turn down my epidural.
2:30p they bring in a bar and put it over the bed so now i can put my feet on that instead of in wimpy nurse's arms.  they tie a sheet to the bar for me to pull.  i feel like i'm on the prairie giving birth (except i have an epidural).  with my epidural turned down i can feel my contractions -- pressure and a sense of when to push.  i can also feel freddy move down imperceptibly with each push.  jared is very interested, watching intently at this point.  the doctor makes him look away when she makes a few cuts.
4p freddy crowns.  the dr has me feel his head and it makes me sob.  a few more pushes. when his head comes out the doctor says in a tone of command "stop pushing" because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck (don't worry though, his <3 rate was monitored the entire time and he was never in distress.  he was just chillin' in the birth canal all this time).  she unwraps it. 
4:09p frederick lee wenger is born!  the most triumphant moment of my life.  they plop him on me and i sob some more!  he is huge, purple-gray, and i am so proud of him.  i feel like he is a stranger whose life i just saved.  i feel a strong compulsion to care for him.  i do not experience the euphoria and the instant rush of love that many mothers describe.  after they clean him up (he weighs 8lbs 9oz) they give him back to me and i try to nurse him.  he won't have it!  he is just glaring all around, like a baby genius.  too busy formulating thoughts to eat!  i want to be upset because la leche league led me to believe that nursing immediately is essential to good breastfeeding and to bonding with your child at all, but i am too tired to be upset and i have a sublime confidence in freddy and myself to do the right thing.  he really is objectively a handsome baby.  i turn my epidural back up.  i feel a happy emptiness.  time still doesn't exist, but after about an hour they take him to the nursery and jared goes with to make sure he doesn't get switched. 

the end!  the man himself is waking up from his nap, so i'll conclude by saying that they did not let me take my epidural with me to the recovery room, and i think they should have.