breakthroughs:
1) in the middle of night i was laying in bed trying to see if anyone was standing in our shower. i had just been reading Codependent No More! about how to stop controlling others. i realized if someone or something is in my shower, I CAN'T CONTROL THAT. and i rolled over and went to sleep!
ever since i was little, i believed that controlling my fear would make me safe -- i had to both invoke the statistical unlikelihood of an intruder (and the frank impossibility of a monster) and simultaneously remain trusting and "open to God's will" so He wouldn't have to teach me a lesson by sending a monster.
messed up.
2) i reread LOTR a few weeks ago. my new mantra is gandalf's line, "against some powers i have not yet been tested." i said it over and over while bouncing freddy in the middle of the night. to me it means that gandalf knows he has a purpose in life, and he is going to face some things and win, and maybe he will face some things and lose, but it is all part of his purpose and part of the battle of good v. evil. i always visualize myself as a casualty in that battle, but now i want to be a warrior. my purpose is to be freddy's brave mother. just gotta jump in there with a sword and throw a torch in a ringwraith's face. against some powers i have not yet been tested.
3) my most recent stunner. i was bouncing freddy to sleep for a nap, alone in the house, and i found myself watching the door handle, waiting for it to turn. it made me feel sick, so i just decided if that handle is going to turn, that will suck, yes, but i don't want to waste the rest of my life on tenterhooks waiting for it to turn! so i turned around and bounced to my <3's content.
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